A few things a Birthmom Might Want to Know...

A few things you might want to ask but don’t know how:

(this is a re-do of the outdated Q&A we did more than a year ago)

I want to provide information on this blog so that women who are looking for adoptive parents will get answers, not cheesy fluffy stuff about how our house is as cute as a button or how we think babies are soft and yummy. Real stuff! Here is a list of questions that birth-moms and dads might have when they want to interview potential parents, along with our answers.

Why are you interested in adopting? This is a complex question. It's more than just looking around and thinking, “someone is missing!” We have a place in our home and hearts for another child. We did fertility treatments to conceive our son, Paul (age 3 now), but the same treatments don’t work anymore. We just feel like not having more kids is a waste of our existence. It’s so weird because we never PLANNED on adopting, but we feel like we are being inspired to go for it.

How long have you been married? Next December is our 11^th Anniversary

What makes your marriage successful? We love to serve each other and keep each other’s best interests in mind. For example, we’re always trying to lighten each other’s load in life- whether it’s Tom doing the dinner dishes or Becky jumping out of bed to rush to pack Tom’s lunch when he is running late, we like to make each other happy.

What kind of contact would you like to have with the birth mother?

We would keep updates on our blog, so that you could choose to log on and see how things are going whenever you want to see it. We want an arrangement where you (the birthmom) initiate the amount of contact you feels is most comfortable. Of course, it would depend a lot on where you live, geographically. We would want to keep in contact with you, know how you are doing, too. We hope that we would become friends, above all, and build a good relationship of trust.

What type of relationship do you have with your extended family? Becky has four brothers and one sister who all live in Arizona. We visit them whenever there are important events or holidays, which ends up being about twice a year. They are all married, except for one brother. All of her siblings have college degrees. She is really close to her sister, who is a physical therapist, and mom, who teaches junior high.

Tom’s parents live in Utah and Oregon, and most of his siblings live in Arizona. Tom has four sisters and two brothers. One brother is an architect, and the other is in the army, living in Korea with his wife and three daughters. His whole family is very playful/energetic/hyper? silly? :)

How many children do you have/are you planning to have? We will probably stop after we adopt a child (so, two kids is probably all we will have unless something special happens like twins). We would like to have as many children as God wants us to have, but realistically, the child we adopt will probably end up being the baby of the family.

What future do you see for your adopted child? We want our children to be well educated, social, and successful in all aspects of life. We will teach them good manners, provide financially for an education, teach them the benefits of hard work, and allow them to be exposed to many options in life. Then, after they choose which way they want to go, we’ll always support them.

What is your educational background? Tom went to a private college-prep school in high school, then got a Bachelor of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering. He also has worked a lot with computers. Becky graduated in the top 5% of her class in a public high school and was able to do her college on scholarship. She got a Bachelor of Art Degree in Creative Writing with a minor in Art History. Later, she went back and got a Masters Degree in Education, with focus in Teaching and Teacher Education / Secondary English. Also, Tom served a mission in France and speaks French. Becky served a mission in Russia and speaks Russian.

What is your occupation? Tom works as a Mechanical Engineer for a fortune 500 company. He put himself through school doing Microsoft Technical Support and fixing computers. Becky worked in a photography studio during college, then became a newspaper editor, taught high school (Art and English) for 3 years and all subjects Kindergarten-7th grade in a special charter school for a year and a half, and then left education to pursue a career as a Technical Writer, which she was able to do from home for awhile until Paul stopped napping.

Where do you live? Jenks, OK in a red brick house with lots of flowers and trees in the yard. We can walk to a few ponds, live near a large aquarium, in a great school district.

Are you planning on moving in the future? It is a possibility that we could stay here in Oklahoma forever. However, Tom’s work has locations all over the US where he could be transferred.

What are your religious beliefs? We belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS). This is why we went through LDS Family Services for our adoption home study. We love our church and work hard to live Christlike lives in all our imperfection.

How do you handle conflict? Love, logic, and forgiveness! Heavily weighted on the forgiveness aspect.

What are your views regarding discipline? We like to use language of “choice”, meaning, instead of saying, “You are a bad boy,” saying, “That was a bad choice, how can we make a better one?” Sounds cheesy, but it does work. Also, we like natural and logical consequences. For example, if you draw on the wall, you have to help clean it up, not go to your room or get spanked or anything. We find that consistency is really the key. Just spouting off empty threats is no good.

What makes you good parents? We appreciate the privilege of being parents in the first place. It’s a huge responsibility, and we don’t take it lightly. Parenthood isn’t about buying cute clothes and toys and going on fancy trips all the time. It’s about cleaning up messes and staying up all night. It’s about planning nutritional meals and thinking hard about ways to foster developmental growth in a young mind. It's about figuring out how to discipline and train so a child knows what to expect. Also, we try hard and don’t give up. So many parents these days have just given up on their kids (given up on teaching manners, or teaching them beneficial social skills, or even on discipline). We won’t give up on our kids.

Motherhood is a calling

Today I am thinking about what motherhood means to me. I'm so grateful to be a mom because it is such a privilege, yet it is so much work at the same time.
Our bishop came up to us today to give us a quick how's it going chat and what do you know, something inspirational to ME came out of my own mouth when I was talking to him! Strange how that happens sometimes. Anyway, here is what I told him:

"Motherhood is a calling, and if or when I am called again, I am ready to serve."

I think comparing motherhood to a church calling is a good analogy for me right now. The way church callings work, you don't get to CHOOSE what you want to be and when. Just like many of us don't get pregnant whenever we "decide" to.

Sometimes I have wondered why I was so "lucky" to not get a calling for a certain time period. Some people turn down all callings no matter what. They don't want/don't have time for/don't feel adequate, etc. This is like people who say, "I'll have kids when XYZ and ABC are all figured out in my life, and when I feel like everything else is all perfect." Ha ha, I think back to when we were first married and wanted to "wait" a few months before getting pregnant. HA! We didn't know we didn't need birth control.

Other people really, really want to serve in the church, they get excited about it, they ask how they can help, they volunteer to do whatever is needed. Yet, they don't necessarily get called to certain callings even though they would be very good at them. And so it is with many of us who are infertile. We're there yelling, "PUT ME IN, COACH!!" And, we are benched for the whole game. Hopefully, not the whole game, but we are waiting. . . and waiting. . . and we keep showing up for the games. We're talented players. . . the coach is saving us for the right moment.

Some callings are incredibly challenging. Those challenging ones are meant to make you grow and learn. Some callings are so that you can be there to help other people. They remind you that life is not about you, it is about the other people you are helping. Sometimes you try to help others in the gospel and they don't want your help. But, you still are doing your calling by trying! These challenging callings in infertility are the challenges we go through to try to adopt, to go through the many torturous --- YES, torturous--- fertility treatments, difficult emotions, miscarriages, and seeming failures month after month. Not to mention paying lots of money for all of these challenges. It takes emotional sacrifice, the sacrifice of an incredible amount of time, just like many difficult church callings that have made me lose sleep over the years.

I remember learning that if you turn down a calling, that someone else can and will be called to do it instead. That is how it works. We have to work for our blessings, but if we are not ready for the challenge, we are welcome to let someone else step up to the plate, do the work, and get the blessings instead. I'm not sure how this relates to adoption or infertility, but maybe I'll make the connection here in the future.

I was also inspired by this blog post from the blog Feigning Fertility. She talks about how going through the trials that are facing you in order to just bring kids into the world counts as being a good mom to your future kids. LOVED IT.

I'll get back to my regular notes to birth moms soon. In the mean time, I needed some notes to self and our friends who are going through the same thing we are.